The tears hit this morning...
I'm not going to get in to it but the final wave of some loss and rejection passed over and through me this morning.
I'm not going to parade my sadness around but in the words of Mick and Keith- "you can't always get what you want...." but also in the words of Mick and Keith "but if you try sometimes....you get what you need..."
Truer words were never spoken.
I was sitting in a Starbucks drinking tea and wham- the mounting pressure of the feelings I had been shoving to the back of my head collapsed the levy and I was left flooded. I am not a fan of crying in public, I am less of a fan of crying in Starbucks @ 7:30 in the morning.
I miss my father...honestly- all these other feelings are unsettling and irritating but all of them hardly belong to themselves,they all take root in missing Dad. The closer we get to Bree's wedding the more it starts to hurt.
We just wanted to make it that far, I wanted him to be in the sun and happy one more time before he died. We didn't make it and I feel so deeply sad about it.
All week I have found myself absolutely starved for one of his hugs, the last time I was at the house I sat on his beg and hugged his pillows. The longing is the wrenching part, I want- I want- I want.
However- the good thing is that even in my sadness I am staying on track- my
food indulgences yesterday were still all good for me and I tried on my Joanie dress that was to be my goal dress for New York and BOOM, 3 weeks ahead of schedule IT FITS!
I still need to lose about 15 more for it to look superfly, but man, I needed the boost today.
Yesterday I went to Pilates and man, did it kick my ass.
I can officially say I prefer Pilates to Yoga. No bullshit spiritual practice heaped in with me cursing the gods due to muscle pain, I know it works really well for some people so I won't knock it ( too much) but I prefer my spiritual practice over here....and my exercise over there...
I am going to the gym every single goddamn day til I leave for Florida/NYC and absolutely determined to return to where I left off in November.
Nothing. Not. One. Thing. is going to get in my way this time.
My health, discipline and self-esteem are absolutely VITAL to the other goals I have set and unless I exhibit the same obsession towards them that I do every other thing and person that crosses my path I will always wind up in the same spot.
I am done, I have exited this sadsack station where i sit and have sat waiting for something wonderful to happen, waiting for my life to arrive I have exited the station and I consider myself 86'd, no longer welcome there because I am not resigned to waiting anymore.
In the midst of the tornado yesterday I fully failed to see something that was put in front of me for what it was- and after my tears today it finally registered. One of my dreams is coming true.
I am going to be working for/with one of my IDOLS - Miss Dianne Brill.
When I was 17 I found a book called Boobs, Boys and High Heels.
It changed my life and made me in to the girl I am today.
I feel like I forgot my Brill-iance somewhere in my late 20's and now as I am 37 I am FINALLY remembering it-- there is a huge correlation to who I was at 17 returning to my life right now, it is powerful-- I loved that me, she was pure, powerful and shimmering. I see her peeking through a lot more these days.
Long of the short,- she owns a cosmetics company and I have been dying to rep for them for over a year- maybe even 2 years now-- well, wish granted .
The wheels have started turning and all I can hope is that I get to meet her. When I was creating my vision board for this year I taped up all the packaging from the goodie back the North American Distributor sent me.
I didn't know exactly what it mean when I put it there since we had been out of touch for SO long but it meant something to me, she means something to me-- I'll type up a few passages from the book soon to show you why-- she liberated me at a time when I needed to be liberated the most. I just pulled my copy out of the bookshelf, it's time to be re-libbed.
So there's some thoughts for today--- I hate the sadness my life has contained but somewhere in it I found release- release from not just the present pain but the great big sorrow that has been holding me down/back for nearly 20 years-- I look at this as being released, I have served my sentence- the gates are open- the time has come.